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How to support someone coming out in their 30s and beyond
How to support someone coming out in their 30s and beyond
Coming out can be hard at any age, but by the time you’re well into adulthood it may feel terrifying, and be completely life-changing. Many people who come out in their thirties and onwards may have wanted to for a long time but not felt safe enough to do so. As October 11 marks National Coming Out Day, it’s important to reflect on how, if and when people can share their authentic selves. “I wasn’t raised in a time when it felt safe to express attraction to women,” says author and creative mentor Fiona Fletcher Reid, who came out last year at the age of 35. “I wasn’t sure about my sexuality until I had psychosexual therapy and was able to explore all the layers of internalised homophobia and repression that I had accumulated over my 35 years,” she says. So, how you can support someone who is going through it? Don’t assume everyone is the same Not every person’s coming out looks the same, and some LGBTQ+ experiences are not universal. “Coming out is a personal experience and because it is often physically and emotionally dangerous to be openly queer, lots of people never feel able to be open,” says Fletcher Reid, now 36. “Some people might feel free to come out once they have ended a particular relationship, or after meeting people who they feel safe around. “For others, like me, it’s that we don’t consciously acknowledge our sexuality until we are a lot older and have the confidence to work through the emotional implications and real-life consequences that come with that,” The writer, from Glasgow, was going through a divorce at the time with a man she’d been with since the age of 17. “During therapy, I talked a lot about the pain I was experiencing during intercourse as well as my general anxiety around sex. It wasn’t until I’d built up a trusting relationship with my therapist that I felt able to discuss the fact that I thought I might be gay and I did not expect that to come up, so I was just as surprised as everyone else when I came out.” Don’t question their authenticity Validate what the person who has come out is saying. “Don’t say, ‘Are you sure?’ because you can rest assured that the person coming out to you has thought long and hard about this,” says Fletcher Reid. “Casting self-doubt on someone when they have opened up a vulnerable part of themselves to you is hurtful.” Don’t question them about their sex life It’s no one else’s business. “Please don’t ask about whether they have been intimate with anyone, or any other sort of suggestion that they need to ‘prove’ their sexuality to you,” she stresses. Consider what they feel and accept that it is a big deal They are probably feeling “a mix of emotions, including excited, happy, empowered and scared for their safety”, says Fletcher Reid. “Sadly coming out can still cause huge ruptures in relationships so be aware that this is a huge moment for them and comes with real consequences. “Dismissing their experience as ‘not a big deal’ because you think it’s ‘normal to be gay’ now is a dangerous and false narrative.” It may sound simple, but just listening and supporting them is vital. “Be there to listen and try to celebrate all the new things that they are exploring as they come out, whether that’s dating, meeting new people or finding ways to experiment with their identity through fashion,” says Fletcher Reid. “Repeat often that you love and care for them and that you accept this evolution of them, that you are happy to see them happy.” Suggest they find community “Encourage them to talk to other people who have been through similar experiences if you can,” she says. “As much as friends and family want to understand what they are going through, it is far more validating to talk to someone else who has come out later in life and understands the emotional intricacies of the experience. “They can also hopefully show them that there are good times ahead.” Thank them for sharing with you “It is a privilege that someone trusts you with coming out, especially later in life. Tell them that you are honoured to have been trusted with this information, and reassure them that you will keep it private until they are ready to tell other people,” Fletcher Reid suggests. “The best reactions that I had from people were seeing their joy that I had discovered this important part of myself, and that had a huge impact on my ability to feel hopeful amidst the pain caused by my divorce. “Allowing them to feel conflicted and guilty and offering reassurance that they have the right to be themselves will make them feel so much happier.” Read More Israel-Hamas conflict: How to talk to teenagers about distressing news stories Autumn décor ideas for a seasonal refresh Why you shouldn’t tidy your garden too much in autumn World Mental Health Day: 5 ways to beat anxiety and change your life Alternative veg to grow for next season How to spot if your child is struggling with their mental health – and what to do next
2023-10-11 13:54
Chevron Australia, LNG unions make progress in talks - union official
Chevron Australia, LNG unions make progress in talks - union official
SYDNEY Talks to halt the resumption of strikes at Chevron's two liquefied natural gas (LNG) facilities in Australia
2023-10-11 12:57
'How would people like me know about sex?' Young people are losing judgment-free spaces to learn about sex and sexuality
'How would people like me know about sex?' Young people are losing judgment-free spaces to learn about sex and sexuality
Teenagers in India and across Asia-Pacific are turning to social media platforms for judgement-free, engaging information about sex, sexuality and pleasure. But content creators say their posts are falling foul of moderation guidelines that don't distinguish between edutainment and pornography.
2023-10-11 12:29
Jury deliberations will continue Wednesday in the trial of the 2 officers charged in Elijah McClain's death
Jury deliberations will continue Wednesday in the trial of the 2 officers charged in Elijah McClain's death
Jury deliberations will continue Wednesday in the trial of two Colorado police officers who arrested Elijah McClain, an unarmed 23-year-old Black man who died in 2019 after being subdued by police and injected by paramedics with ketamine.
2023-10-11 12:26
Donald Trump ally Kari Lake announces Arizona Senate seat bid
Donald Trump ally Kari Lake announces Arizona Senate seat bid
Ms Lake, who has yet to concede defeat in last year's election to be governor, announced the bid in Arizona.
2023-10-11 11:57
3 Pittsburgh Penguins to blame for season-opening loss to Blackhawks
3 Pittsburgh Penguins to blame for season-opening loss to Blackhawks
The Pittsburgh Penguins 2023-24 season started just how their previous campaign left off -- blowing a late third-period lead to the Chicago Blackhawks.
2023-10-11 11:51
EU warns Elon Musk 'disinformation' is spreading on X after Hamas attack
EU warns Elon Musk 'disinformation' is spreading on X after Hamas attack
The EU has written to Elon Musk warning him that the platform is being used to spread illegal content.
2023-10-11 11:26
Who do the Texas Rangers play next?
Who do the Texas Rangers play next?
The Texas Rangers swept the Orioles in the ALDS in a dominant performance. But who will they play next for the American League pennant?
2023-10-11 11:25
Children found 'butchered' in Israeli kibbutz, as horror of Hamas' attack on border communities begins to emerge
Children found 'butchered' in Israeli kibbutz, as horror of Hamas' attack on border communities begins to emerge
Bodies of Israeli residents and Palestinian militants lay outside of burned-out homes in the Israeli kibbutz Kfar Aza on Tuesday, days after Hamas launched a large-scale surprise assault on Israel, sending heavily armed fighters pouring across the border from Gaza and rampaging through rural communities.
2023-10-11 11:17
4 Baltimore Orioles who won't be back next season and why
4 Baltimore Orioles who won't be back next season and why
The Orioles were eliminated in a disheartening ALDS sweep by the Rangers, and now these players won't be returning to Baltimore for the 2024 season.
2023-10-11 10:55
'They have made those sacrifices': Israel-Hamas war claims the lives of several journalists reporting from the raging conflict
'They have made those sacrifices': Israel-Hamas war claims the lives of several journalists reporting from the raging conflict
Some journalists are making the ultimate sacrifice while covering the war between Israel and Hamas.
2023-10-11 10:50
Civil rights activists call for voter fraud charges against Black woman to be dropped
Civil rights activists call for voter fraud charges against Black woman to be dropped
The Tallahassee NAACP and civil rights attorney Ben Crump are asking authorities to drop felony voter fraud charges against a 69-year-old Black woman who was arrested last month as part of a Florida elections investigation.
2023-10-11 10:45
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